Wednesday, 30 December 2015

The guilt nobody told me about

Before LL came along my three year old daughter was my little partner in crime.  I've been lucky enough that since she was born I've been able to have a career break from work. This has meant me and my daughter have been pretty much inseparable.  We have done everything together.  The good times of spontaneous picnics, girls shopping trips and farm visits, and (lets not wear rose tinted glasses here) even the not so good times, like when she spilt a whole jug of milk down me in the middle of Marks and Spencer or when she tantrum rolled herself down an aisle in Sainsburys. 

Before LL came, in those last few weeks of my pregnancy, I really treasured every moment. I knew things were about to change.  But what nobody told me is how our relationship would change, or the guilt I'd feel as my role changed.  

In these first few weeks of having LL, my time has been almost entirely consumed with caring for a newborn.  With breastfeeding, changing and caring for this little bundle 24/7. And I guess that is how it should be.  I've included my eldest in all the things you're meant to, like reading to her whilst I'm feeding, including her to help care for LL.  But still, there's been a change.  

It's not me she calls for if she needs something now. Its not me she gets into the car and sits nicely for.  It's her Daddy. I feel like I'm suddenly second best.  

And I know this is good.  My husband tells me its nice to finally be that person for a change, instead of it always being me.  And I know this is completely normal.  But that doesn't stop me feeling guilty when she asks for Daddy when I'm stood right next to her.  Or when I tell her to wait a minute for the hundredth time as LL has just been sick everywhere again.

I know I can't do everything.  I know I'm not superwoman.  But that doesn't stop me from wanting to be.  I guess I have to adjust to being a mum of two.  I just wish someone had forewarned me of this guilt I feel.  

I think the transition from three to four just takes time for us all, I just hope my eldest always knows how much I love her, even if its not just us two girls anymore when Daddy goes to work.  Its something even more special now, its us three girls.  The three musketeers.  

Friday, 25 December 2015

Happy Christmas

Happy Christmas!!! 
I wanted to write a quick post to wish you all a very happy Christmas! I hope you all have a lovely day filled with love and lots of food (obviously!) 

It's 5am on Christmas Day as I write this and I've been up all night. Usually when people say that, they haven't but it just feels like they have. I actually have. Little LL has reflux (we think) and this last night she has woke every 45 minutes in pain. It's horrible. To see your little baby in pain is tough. Add to that my sleep deprivation and you've got a recipe for me probably crying a lot today!! But it will be OK. 

I know reflux will pass, and I know that other than that she is a beautiful, healthy little girl. But right now, as I feel like the only person awake in the world, it's pretty tough. 

I think we're all ready for today. The presents are laid out and we prepped the vegetables ready for lunch. By the way, don't look at Instagram today. I've been scrolling through all night, and all I've seen is people's trees with more presents than I thought humanly possible for a child to have! It's easy to lose sight of what christmas is about and feel like you've not done enough or a good enough job as other people. 

And this Christmas I haven't been my most organised. There are things I would have liked to have done, but I've not had the time. There are things I would have liked to have taken my eldest daughter to, but I've not been able to because of LL. I've had mum guilt alot this Christmas.

On Christmas Eve I'd planned for us all to watch Christmas DVDs and eat popcorn, but that didn't go quite to plan as LL was unsettled and, oh yes, we think there's a mouse in the garage so my husband spent an hour installing fancy sonar devices so it will go and live elsewhere. I'm hoping the said mouse wasn't meant to be my surprise Christmas present. My eldest was quite excited about the mouse actually. I think she wants it as a pet. I say mouse, I hope it's not a rat. Anyway, he or she should hopefully be vacating the garage sometime soon. 

This Christmas is different to all of our others. Today I have the most beautiful three and a half year old and the most precious 7 week old baby. I have an amazing husband who is the best daddy in the world to them both.  How lucky am I to be a mummy to two little girls. 

So today I'm forgetting Instagram, Twitter and looking what everyone else is doing. I'm going to try and not think of the things I haven't or could have done. I'm going to enjoy our first Christmas as a family of four. I'm also going to try and limit the amount of times I cry, though I can't promise anything as I'm so so tired! 

Sometimes the idea of Christmas and our expectation and anticipation can be different from the reality. But that's ok. That's life. I hope my daughters look back and know that even though I could sleep standing up, at 5am on Christmas morning I was sitting in bed cuddling LL and thinking how much I love them both and how lucky I am. And hoping they both have a wonderful first Christmas as sisters. 

Whether you are having a quiet Christmas today or a big family Christmas, enjoy every single minute. 

Happy Christmas and thank you for reading, and I hope this 5am post makes sense! 


Wednesday, 9 December 2015


Hello there! I am sorry I haven't posted in a while.  Before LL came along, I had this idea in my head that I would still be blogging whilst she fed and I'd be able to happily multi-task.  The reality is some days its a mission to brush my own teeth, let alone write a legible and coherent blog post!

But, here I am.  LL is 5 weeks old today and I'm sat in the nursery feeding her.  We've had a really bad night and I think I got a grand total of 2 hours sleep.  My husband is also away, so its been a tough week.  Not that I'm feeling sorry for myself (well maybe I am just a little).  The kitchen is such a mess it looks like we have been burgled, and for reasons unbeknownst to me, I thought it would be a good idea to sort out a kitchen cupboard this morning.   

I can only describe these first few weeks as some of the toughest times with sleep deprivation and trying to get into a rhythm of having two little ones to look after.  But, these first few weeks are also the most magical and special.  It's a strange mix.   

I know these days will quickly pass, so when I'm sat in bed shedding a little tear because I am so exhausted, I try to focus on the fact that one day I will want these days back. 

One of the hardest things of being a mum of two is the guilt in trying to split my time between them both.  I feel guilty if one is crying while I'm trying to sort the other out and at times I just worry if I'm doing a good enough job.  I feel guilty if I am cleaning instead of playing, guilty if I'm trying to Christmas shop instead of just being a mum.  But then I think all of this is part of being a mum.  I thought with my second I would worry less about what I'm doing, but where I am confident in alot of things, that worry of if I'm doing a good enough job is still there, especially when I'm tired.  I think that just comes with being a mum and I'll never escape it. 

I can't put into words my love for LL and I look at my two girls and wonder how I got to be so lucky to have this amazing little family.  
LL has finished feeding now, so I will go and try and do something with the kitchen before feral cats make a home in there. 

I have lots to share with you, from my birth story, to the things I wish I'd packed in my labour bag and a little story of breastfeeding in front of 500 people!!!!

Thank you so much for reading and bearing with me.  I thought people may have forgotten about me and my little blog, but I was so happy this morning when I saw people were still reading and checking back. Thank you so much, it means so much to me to have you share my journey. 

I hope you are having a good day, and I hope this post is legible and makes some sense.  

Thank you for reading,