Thursday, 7 April 2016

Well Hello There...

Hello again...and well, quite frankly it's been a while.  I've been lost in the abyss of sleep deprivation and I have used every ounce of my being to just survive get through the day.  It's been hard, but last night I got a whole three hours sleep in one go, and today I feel like a new woman.  To say the nights have been tough would be an understatement. Hourly wake ups have been my norm now for the last five months.  I've cried, I've Googled, I've wondered what the hell am I doing wrong, I've Googled some more, and then it's all fell into place as to why LL is awake and in pain.  Silent reflux.   

Why I didn't trust my gut instinct five months ago I do not know, and why I listened to a GP that it was probably just me I do not know.  I'm angry at myself. As a mum and health professional I should have known better. All the signs are there.  It all fits in to place.  And for some reason, knowing what it is, I feel like a weight has been lifted.  I feel like I'm not doing anything wrong.  It isn't me.  It isn't my milk.  It's not colic. It isn't normal.  It's silent reflux.  

But enough of silent reflux for now.  I'll go into more detail in another post.  I don't want it to take up all of this one today. 

In the horrible midst of sleep deprivation I've pondered if I'm doing anything right at all.  Having no sleep really does give you a skew-whiff view of yourself and the world. And for me, it zaps any creativity. I've questioned this blog, why I'm doing it, my writing skills, everything.  

But I'm here today, and it feels lovely to be here.  Thank you for sticking around. And thank you to the person who told me that they missed my blog, it means alot.  

I also feel guilty (gosh, I do like going on a guilt trip don't I?!?) that I've not documented LL as much as I would have liked.  Whilst yes, sleep deprivation has been a big part of these first months, there have been the most amazing times too.  LL's cheeky little face when she gives me the biggest smiles.  When she scratches on the side of her cot in the morning and then rolls to look for me lying next to her.  The way she makes you work for about 10 minutes before giving you the tiniest giggle. And the concentration and awe that she looks at her big sister with.  

Her big sister is the best big sister in the world.  She wipes LL's mouth and sprints to get a muslin cloth or wipe for me.  She chats away to her about what she is doing.  She holds her hand and is so proud of her little sister when we go out.  She copies how I talk to LL and will talk away to her about what she should and shouldn't do. I am so prod of her. 

I am so lucky to have two such amazing little girls.  But I feel that's what's been missing on my blog.  I worry I haven't captured it.  I worry I've spoke of the negatives too much.  I've not spoke of the utter joy they both bring me.  The pride I felt when a stranger said what two wonderful girls I had. 

I worry that when they are older, they will read this blog and wonder what on earth happened for five months.  But if they ever do read this blog, I hope they know that even though I found it hard at times, my heart was more full than it's ever been.  That every night before I go to bed I check on them both and kiss their little heads, and I know in my heart that this is the moment.  Right here and right now, with them both snoring soundly and tucked up safely in their beds. This is what life is all about.  Not striving to be anywhere.  Not wishing for more or any less.  Just as we are today and right now.  

They've changed me so much, and so much for the better.  Right here and right now is where I'm meant to be and I wouldn't want to be anywhere else.    

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