Wednesday, 6 July 2016

A forgotten birthday and blogging doubts

Are you sitting comfortably? Maybe go and make yourself a drink.  This post could get long.  
In fact, make yourself a drink and get a few biscuits.  
Ready? 
Then I'll begin.

For all of my lovely, lovely regular readers, you may have noticed that I have been totally absent on here over the last few weeks.  I haven't quite known how to begin in telling you what's been happening and where I have been.  I have written this post twice already, but this evening I thought I would just sit down and write what I feel.  I apologise in advance if this post makes no or little sense, but I felt it needed to be written. 

Things came to a head a few weeks ago, when I had spent all week writing and pulling together images for my weekly The Milk Edit post, (where I find breastfeeding friendly fashion, that isn't actually breastfeeding specific, but outfits that would work just as well and look amazing). Anyway, after pulling all the images together, I then began editing the html code for the post.  

I should tell you that I don't know anything about html.  I don't even know what it stands for, which doesn't bode well already.  All I know is I add bits of code here and there in a given script and it means my images are displayed in a grid and it allows readers to click on the images and then be taken straight to where they can buy the product. 

For alot of people, this is easy stuff.  To me, it takes me about an hour to try and figure out a tiny bit of code.  And hours and hours it did take.  I tucked the girls into bed and then began this very slowly process for the fourth consecutive night in a row. After another 3 hours, and an hour of my husband helping, I'd nearly done it, until that is, it all completely vanished and I was left with a blank page.  All the work had gone. Vanished. Disappeared.  Gone. I wanted to throw the laptop out of the window and dive after it and just face plant in the front garden.  
My amazing husband (who was already trying to finish his own work inbetween calls to clients in America) was trying his best to help me, and then I just gave up.  I couldn't see how spending 6 hours stressing and then interfering with my husbands work was worth it for something that was meant to be fun.  I gave up and left it.  And I'm afraid I haven't logged on here since. 

I think it was the straw that broke my blogging back.  

The week before, I had found out that an overseas website had been stealing my blogposts and passing them off as their own in order to promote pregnancy weight loss pills.  I was shocked and so so angry when I stumbled across the site, especially as they had used some of my really personal posts, such as my pregnancy announcement.  (I have contacted Google to report the site and get my posts removed but I think it will take some time). 

These things just made me question what am I doing all of this for? I love blogging, but most of the time I feel I am just about keeping my head above the water with it.  I feel guilty if I don't blog.  When I do blog, I feel guilty that I should be doing something else, like bleaching the kitchen floor or bathing the dog. Then I feel bad that I aren't reading other blogs and commenting, or worrying why I'm absolutely crap at social media. And then comes the unhealthy comparing, that others seem to be doing it alot better than me. 

I do love blogging.  I really do.  I love writing.  I love thinking of posts and being creative.  What I don't love is that it seems to awaken my inner critic and a voice that says I'm not good enough to do it.  And when I spend over 6 hours with nothing to show for it, or someone is stealing my posts, I just wonder is it all worth it? Is it worth pouring my heart in these pages for all to see? 

To make matters worse, I have felt really sensitive lately which has probably added to my blogging breakdown. It was my 34th birthday last week and quite a few people completely forgot.  Now I must say, if ANY said people read this, this post is NOT in any way directed at you. This post is more about me and my insecurities.  You are all wonderful and I love you dearly.  Life happens.  We are all busy.  We all forget things and that's ok.  But, as I was feeling sensitive, when people didn't remember or didn't send me a card, I didn't just shrug it off like I should do, or look at it light-heartedly and text them saying 'have you forgotten something?'.  I took it personally and the very first thing that came to my mind was that it is probably because I'm not that nice of a person, or maybe I'm not such a great friend.  

My mum will kill me when she reads this, because when I told her I was thinking this, she thought I was being ridiculous.  But I can't help how I feel.  When I feel sensitive, I don't think my thoughts are particularly rational and I do take things to heart.  And by the way, I know the world doesn't revolve around me and people are very busy and I know it would never be done intentionally.  I know all of this.  But last week, my head was having none of it. 

This week, I'm over it.  But I thought I'd blog about it because this sort of thing happens doesn't it?  But birthdays are perfect in the land of Instagram and Twitter, and I'm assuming on Facebook (I'm not on there).  When I see other people's pictures of their birthdays, it's of the mass of birthday cards, the dozen bouquets or the many happy birthday well wishes from people.  My picture would have been of some tumbleweed.  Ok, ok, I've taken it too far, it wouldn't at all, and my husband will go mad if he reads this, because he made such an effort on my birthday and spent the evening before decorating a hotel room and blowing up balloons for me (Mr Bee you are the best). 

But my point is, when something doesn't quite go to plan, or isn't like what we think t should be, we feel we are coming up short.  That our life isn't as picture perfect as it should be. That maybe it's us. Damn you Instagram. 

As I said, I think my birthday clashed with a sensitive week (a possible understatement) and it knocked me a little.  And maybe there's something I can learn from that.  Maybe turning 34 has shown me that I need to toughen up a bit.  That maybe I need to make myself happy and not depend so much on wanting validation from other people.  That maybe I should love myself a bit more.  And not go looking at what everyone else is doing or filtering.  

I don't know where we go from here.  In all honesty it's been lovely to sit down again and just start typing.  Things keep popping into my head that I need to tell you, like Bee having her 4th birthday and how I never want to see a Hello Kitty again (it was a Hello Kitty themed party and I'd spent way to long trying to copy Pinterest), how I need to update you on LL's reflux (mostly going OK but weaning is a problem) and how LL is crawling (damn you small choking hazardous toys that are EVERYWHERE in our house).  But then this post might go on for too long and you'd need your lunch or tea sitting here too. 

So I'll leave it here for now.  I'm not sure when I'll post again, or what the future of this blog holds (very limited html hopefully). 

I hope this post hasn't sounded like I'm whining or ungrateful.  It's really easy in blogging to skim over alot of things and have this amazing and 'perfect' filtered life. It is harder to blog on a more personal level when things haven't gone the way you had planned, but I like reading these types of posts because I think they are more relateable.

Anyway, I'm whittering now.  If you've got to the end of this blog, well done...thank you so much for reading.  

Laura 
xx





2 comments:

  1. Oh lovely. I truly think a lot of bloggers feel like this a lot. Essentially I loved blogging, but I wasn't happy being a parent blogger or feeling the pressure of what I had to do, what I should do etc. It was too much pressure. I'm not saying you need to stop or anything like I did, but maybe it's time to think about cutting out certain things you do and just get back to the pure love of writing and freeing yourself of some of the pressure xx

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    Replies
    1. Thank you Sian and I completely agree. We put so much pressure on ourselves. I've felt loads better taking a break and then just actually writing a blog post and seeing how it goes naturally. Thank you for your comment x

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