Friday, 29 July 2016

Write like no-ones watching and have you seen my confidence?

Me and my blog have a funny old relationship.  We have highs and lows, peaks and troughs. When I'm happy I can blog like it's going out of fashion.  When I'm not so happy, my blog is usually the first thing to suffer.  It really has become a reflection as to where I am at any given moment.  

And you may have realised it's been a little quiet on here of late. 

Somewhere between giving birth, having no sleep and yet being deliriously happy with my two girls, I've lost my confidence. I've been gripped by The Fear.   

The Fear of typing the wrong thing, of coming across all wrong, of not being good enough, of typing private things that are too personal to me, of failing, of needing to censor what I actually really want to say and so not actually typing anything at all.   

And that's the thing with writing a blog.  If you're not honest, if you don't type what you really want to say, then is there any point in typing at all?  

Not that I want to type anything offensive, but if I've had a crap day, I want to blog about it just as much as a good day.  It doesn't mean I'm ungrateful or self-absorbed. I'm just human.  I always go on about how Instagram gives this very filtered and happy snap-shot into other people's lives.  I don't want my blog to be like that. 

I met up with an amazing friend last night and we spoke about my blog. We spoke about how I hadn't blogged (yet again) for a while and I told her all the reasons why. The usual, I don't feel it's good enough, that I worry about 'putting myself out there' reasons came out. But I also told her I thought I'd lost my confidence somewhere along the way too.  

Which is a little funny, because aren't you meant to get more confident as you get older? I thought people say you have a 'don't care' attitude as you age? Unfairly, I think it's the reverse with me. 

As we chatted, it really made me think how silly my thoughts actually sounded.  Why was I comparing my blog to someone who blogged daily? Who really cares if I've had a bad day and blog about it?  And people are going to judge you no matter what, so I may as well be doing something I love whilst they are judging.  Haters gonna hate, and all that. 

So last night, as we both put the world to rights (and I felt like I'd had a good counselling session for free), it all clicked into place. 

I wish I had loads of confidence, I wish I didn't worry about a million and one things, I wish I didn't become a tad obsessed with other people's Instagram lives (I KNOW it's filtered but I can't help myself).  I'm not perfect.  But who really is? 
  
I love blogging about my life.  Unfiltered and unphotoshopped.  And it really shouldn't be any more complicated than that.  


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