Thursday, 1 September 2016

First Day

Well she's gone.  We've just dropped Bee off for her very first day at Primary School.  I kept it together.  I didn't think I would but I knew there was no way I was going to cry on the playground.  I promised myself I could cry in the car after drop off, but I didn't. I don't know if it's because I'd been holding back the tears for so long, or because I've planned for this day for weeks now.  

Bee did so well.  We walked her into the infants playground where she met her teacher. She held tightly onto my hand and we chatted about the other girls matching uniforms, how amazing the day was going to be, we wondered what she was going to eat for lunch and I promised her I'd pick her up at 3.30pm.  We had a big hug and then kissed goodbye as she lined up with all the other children in her class.  

The house is now so quiet.  There is definitely a Bee shaped hole here today.  

Even though Bee has been to pre-school, there's just something completely different about that first day of school.  It's a real milestone.  A real punctuation in all of Bee's life events that have passed and that are to come.  

I've felt really nervous for her all week, but as we left the playground I just knew she'd be OK.  And now?  I feel really proud.   That we actually did OK.  That all those times I Googled if I was parenting OK, all those times I questioned myself, the times I worried if I'd pickled her brain because I'd eaten some cheesecake when I was pregnant. It all turned out OK because Bee is the proof.  We've raised the most wonderful and kind and funny and amazing little girl.  

I wonder what she is doing now.  Who she is sitting next to.  How she is feeling.  And that's so strange to think about.  Because now there is going to be big chunks of her day that I know nothing about unless she tells me.  I won't be there to see something funny that happens or there to help her pick her lunch.  She has grown to have that independence away from me.  Albeit just during school for now.  

From when she was a tiny, tiny bunch of cells in my belly, born from months of hoping and wishing, to her first words, first crawl and first steps.  All along as parents we've been growing and teaching her to be independent from us.  To be able to function on her own. To take on the world without us.  Parenting is so bittersweet.  

I know I'm not the first parent to feel like this, nor will I be the last. If you look back and wish for the past all the time, you miss the amazing things right now. I'm excited for the things to come.  Of school plays and concerts, of learning to read and write.  I've got to get used to a new routine. Of making friends at the school gates.  New adventures to be had with LL and looking forward to school home times.   

I hope Bee know's how amazing she is.  And I hope she knows that she may be a school girl now, but she will always be my beautiful baby girl. 

1 comment:

  1. Aww! This is so sweet...I hope she has a wonderful day. Such a big moment. x